I always know when I've been watching too much CNN. I get all frothy about the jowls and adamant that "we" stay up on the presidential race and Gustav and the other stuff that normal people can handle staying up on. But me? Emmmm, I'm not that normal, I go mental. So I've shut off the tele, folded up the paper, and cracked open a new book: "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd.
I'd happened upon it during one of my many Amazon visits. I was initially put off when I saw the author. Kidd's latest book, "The Mermaid Chair," was one I really did not like. But then I remembered her "Secret Life of Bees" and how it set off in me a hunger to know more about the 'black madonna'
of whom she wrote. So I've decided to leap into "Daughter."What I understand thus far is that this is a tale of Kidd's very personal journey from the rigors of religious observance to a more intuitive relationship with self through the Feminine Sacred. I can only speak of my own experiences, not to other women's, when I say I have spent my 37 years very pissed off not only at catholicism, but the patriarchy of our planet!
Unlike Kidd who speaks of toeing the line, minding her manners, swallowing insults, and biting her tongue, all in an effort to be a good girl, I continue to spend so much of my energy letting everyone know how much of a good girl I am not.
Being a good girl has never worked for me. Being a bad girl? Hmmm. Well, at least I can say I've not gone quietly into that dark night.
I look at my relationship with my husband. And for better or worse, it is so insanely clear how I'm the Alpha Dog in this matrix. He spends the weekend canning, making salsa, drying plums. I spend the weekend caulking windows (and building Lego spaceships with the kids). And while we both seem to enjoy the stuff we do, I cannot help but feel like Al Bundy. I am not a Becky Homecky goin' all nuts over dust and laundry, but I wish I was. And while it may seem unrelated, it's all part of the same frustration for me. I'm not a good girl, keeping a perfect home, making the pies, and ironing the sheets. And while I know this about myself, I have yet to accept it and it's why I keep reading because I really think it's a spiritual thing.
It's not my intention to sound whiny and bitchy, though I do both very well, and it's also not my intention to hang an entire gender by their short-and-curlies. I'm just grasping to find a sense of self and a sense of focus that will work for me.
So, cheers to another leg of the journey.
hey turbo-thanks for the thoughts of ruth.
ReplyDeletei know all about the good girl/bad girl catholic thing-how about not ever being taight to say "NO" because you might make waves or hurt feelings and never speak your mind! and the whole guilt thing i suffer to this day.
i read a book eons ago-when i was curious about buddism and trying to forget or lose my catholic upbringing. it's called "longing for darkness: tara and the black madonna" by china galland. i loved that book. i think you will like it. but i don't remember much as i said i read it forever ago. i may have to reread it. my spirirtual journey has led to many different things. i don't even know what you'd call me-a neopagan-a green witch? i'm just me. i'm into being a good person teaching my kids that- all religons teach the same thing-i believe in a higher power-but i'm more connected to nature, mother nature, the seasons and a great mother and father or male/female energy -the cycles of life. i hate oganized religon in any way. and i found the things i hated about being catholic were also there in buddist groups and pagens groups. seems like it's a problem with groups of folks-they get togehter and all the power trips start-ugh! control, ego etc, etc. makes me sick.
p.s. i do all the "manly" chores around here. i's rather go build,mow, clean a shed than do any house hold chores-i am the worst suzie homemaker ever! drives hubby nuts as he likes a neat house. i love powertools!