Butt-munchin' nasty

In keeping with the gross theme, why is it that puppies are such a pain in the ass? I haven't had to deal with the 'puppy' stage in 11 years and age has not mellowed my aversion to it. I remember our beloved Tuttle, the biggest pain my backside will ever encounter. My husband and I were engaged and had just bought a house, but were living in 2 different places. The house was in my town so until my soon-to-be hubber transferred, I lived with the pup (who was a birthday/wedding gift to my husband from his brother . . . ah gee, you really shouldn't have). It was the longest couple of weeks of my life.

Tuttle was all lab, all crazy, all the time. I'd heard chocolate was lethal to dogs so I left out a plate of chocolate donuts (I know, horrible) but all it did was give her a sugar rush! Couple this with her discovery of a box of PowerBars and she was flippin' INSANE! And chew? She chewed off the bottom corner of our stairway, she chewed off the corner of my husband's grandmother's cedar chest, she took out shoes and table legs and anything she could latch her jaw onto. In spite of this, Tuttle had a very redeeming sweet nature and she was also pretty decent with her bowels. She apparently just chewed, she didn't swallow.

Enter Sidney. Sidney is the 6-month-old beagle we acquired after Tuttle went to that big yard in the sky back in January due to a spinal injury of which I had nothing to do. Sidney came to us all scared and sweet and tiny, about 8 weeks old, and just so yummy! She'd nap on your neck and was so short she couldn't climb the stairs. And she'd have her accidents, but her cuteness and guilt always trumped the poop. Until yesterday. . .

I was upstairs resting my bleary, infected eye ball while Sidney raced around the house, super excited everyone was home from work and school. My son was watching Scooby Doo while Moira was playing her organ. Sidney was teasing the cats relentlessly so I got up to put her outside only to find a little poop on the stairs, and another little poop by the coat closet (somebody shit on the coats!), and another little poop in front of the basement door, and another little poop in the dining room, and another little poop in the office, and another little poop rubbed into the carpet in the living room . . . FUCK!!!

I turned around to look for the shit demon and found her sniffing her crotch and then dragging ass across the floor with what looked like a sheet of plastic hanging out of it!!! FUCKITY FUCK!!! Unlike Tuttle, who ate organic matter, Sidney will eat anything she chooses, which is why we had to set the litter box a little higher. (To be honest, finding that little beagle butt backing out of the litter box hole with a . . . um 'tootsie roll' disappearing in her mouth is probably the nastiest thing I've ever seen.) Anyway, Sidney had apparently chosen to eat something that was non-organic, and relatively long and in one piece and, obviously, not fully digested. The partially digested part was hanging out her ass!

A wee bit of me felt sorry for her, but the spitting-mad part shoved her outside and set to cleaning. Is there anything worse than canine feces in yo' crib? I feel so violated.