God of the eggs & ham

Got faith? My willingness to implement any type of prayer or meditation or centering or focus started waning a few years back, then dropped off SIGNIFICANTLY last spring and summer. And I don't know how to get it back. I've got loads of people telling me what they do to deepen their faith. Hell, I've even tried the b...b...bible. But am I really trying?

I hate to say this, but I think my efforts have been more focused on disproving religion (which hangs itself so why bother) rather than re-igniting my spiritual fire. I am so hung up on the words! My catholic indoctrination runs to the cellular level, I swear! And for thousands of people, they do totally great with it. But it has fucked me up! The word 'Lord' is feudalistic. The word 'God?' Come on, the baggage!!!

I have lost my ability to pray: the words to use, where to be, how to feel, what to do, eyes open, eyes closed, in a chair, on a hill.
I would not, could not in a box.

I would not, could not with a fox . . .

I would not, could not, in the rain.

Not in the dark. Not on a train.

Not in a car. Not in a tree.

Oh God! Please Vishnu, come to me!

Since the grammas kicked it last summer I have RUN from the silence. And isn't that where we supposedly find wholeness? Away from the racket and the noise and the bustle? But I'm not willing to do this on my own. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me what to do. Those I do reach out to for guidance are Christian-based in their faith, and the polarity between our belief systems is too wide, too gaping. I cannot make the leap. My parched, cracked ideas on faith are more Hindu, Buddhist, even Humanist. So when we talk, they tend to think I'm hung up on some new wave thing and in self-protection, I batten my hatches against anything Christian. Do the eggs and ham have to be Christian eggs and ham?

I need a teacher, a guru who can stomach me and guide me, offer understanding of my weird, weak faith. And help me find God . . . oh shit, a bird just crashed into my window. The bells! The bells!