Having been born top dog among a litter of females, the male species is a puzzler. I have a brother, about 14 years younger than me, who grew up with my dad and step-mom. But I really wasn't around to witness what people tell me is typical 'boy' behavior. To me, boy behavior was two buddies kickin' the shit outta each other before school and then planning their next kegger by day's end. What I have not been exposed to is the home life of the pre-pubescent male. Or, more specifically, the 5-year-old. Like my son.
Five minutes ago, I turned from this screen to see him standing in the doorway of the office wearing my sweatpants, pulled all the way up and around his neck. Cute. Then he flings the drapery off and reveals his nakedness. And what's he do? Start yelling, "Penis, penis, penis!" Like some Mexican hat dance!
Everything is poop, fart, butt crack and penis! I'm sure this is hilarious to some, and maybe if he wasn't mine, I'd giggle, too. But I'm really beginning to wonder if I'm going to get a call from the preschool telling me he's currently being booked in the county jail for saying "penis" in front of the wrong parents, like crazy preacher parents who microwave their tykes and get it on gangsta style in interrogation rooms. But I digress.
Is my son, my 5-year-old angel who at 3 months old, bit me while nursing and then smiled, the next neighborhood perv? I regularly check his scalp for a turkey of 6's. I really don't want to be a future baker of files in meat loafs, but at this rate he could be the youngest male on Iowa's crazy sex offender registry!
Oh God, I really do need to love Jesus! Whether or not he kills me, he could really fuck me up!
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Wanna rub my belly!